Friday, November 20, 2009

Holy Heroes

First Entry:
HOLY HEROES

>>He was drunk again.
>>The blur of vodka and whiskey clouded his thoughts while sharpening his sensitivity to lights and music.
>>The most radiant of all these lights was the blond dancing alone in the middle of the bar room dance floor.
>>With his drink spilling tiny droplets of delectable dry alcohol on the floor, he staggered towards this remarkable revelation of radiance. Pushing up against her posterior, he began to grind against her hips along with the beat of the song.
>>At first she smiled and grinded back. Her hips thrust back against his pelvis while he touched the sides of her slim, succulent waist.
>>More of his drink sloshed over the edge of his cup. Taking a drink, he finished it off and set the glass down on the near table. Upon his return to the lady, the song was over and she no longer wanted to dance.
>>Being in no mood to stop dancing, however, he grabbed her hips and held her in place while he humped her to the hum of the new harmony.
>>She struggled to get away from him, trying to push his hands off her, but she couldn’t make him move. Finally, she turned around and slapped him across the face.
>>All her radiance disappeared and suddenly all he saw was red. Raising his fist he threw the punch.
>>Just then, a hand grabbed hold of his hurling fist and twisted his wrist until he fell to the ground. Feeling fiery pain frothing and boiling the blood in his arm, his cheek smacked against the cold hard tile. With his world still spinning from the alcohol, he opened his mouth and released a vile explosion of bile all over the floor.
>>Barely conscious of his efforts, he swung his free elbow up towards his attacker and found it quickly detained and just as painfully bound behind his back.
Amidst all the commotion and the sound of his own breath, he could no longer hear the sound of the music, nor the cries from the crowd that surrounded both he and the bouncer on his back.
>>“You’re coming with me, son,” the bouncer said from behind. “You’ve had enough to drink, I think.”
>>The bouncer forced him to his feet and, as he walked past the blond he’d nearly thumped, she spit at him and showed him her middle finger.
>>The bouncer led him up the stairs and out the back door of the bar. Releasing him from his grip, the bouncer pushed him gently away. Whirling around, he put his fists up to teach the bouncer.
>>With his fists ready, he peered into a very familiar face.
>>“Father James?” he asked.
>>The bouncer lowered his hands slightly and asked, “Charles? What are you doing here?”

>>Charles took another sip of coffee and shook his head violently in an attempt to clear it. “I still don’t understand what you’re doing as a bouncer, Father.”
>>Father James offered Charles some sugar and smiled. “I come here to protect others from people like you who’ve had a bit too much to drink and think that they’re the lords of the world.”
>>It was 2:00am. The customers were clearing out, waving good-bye to the bartenders and thanking Father James for cooling the situation so well. After Charles had agreed to settle down and only drink coffee for the rest of the night, Father James had let him back in to sit at the bar.
>>Taking another sip of the very strong, very black coffee, Charles licked his lips and tried to steady his swirling, whirling world. “Don’t you think it’s a bit of a violent job for a priest, though?” he finally questioned.
>>The other bartenders stopped their cleaning and wiping and stared at Father James. None of them had known he was a priest. Usually, he just finished up the night, accepted his pay, and left without talking much to anyone about anything. He only ever introduced himself as Jimmy and either quickly walked away from the conversation, or talked strictly about the other person in the conversation. He had always been an amazing listener, but they’d never been able to get him to answer questions about himself before.
>>Father James smiled at Charles and then at everyone else in the room. “Do you think I handled you overly violently, Charles? I mean, considering what you would have done to that woman if I hadn’t stopped you…”
>>Charles hung his head in shame. “I can’t believe I was about to full on punch a woman!” he said. He finished off the last of the coffee in his cup. A waitress quickly came by and filled it up.
>>“Hey, Jimmy,” she asked, walking away from Charles, “are you taking care of him all night, or is he going to leave like the rest of the customers? We’re closing up, you know.”
>>Father James smiled and nodded his head. “Yes, I’ll be driving him home.”
>>Charles waved the idea away, slamming his wrist painfully on the counter. Wincing in pain, he held his wrist and said, “No, don’t worry about it, Father James. I’ll just call a cab.”
Father James laughed. “In this part of town at this time of night? You know you’ll never get a cab. Besides, we live right near each other. I’ll give you a ride home and see you in church tomorrow morning, right?”
>>Charles looked up at Father James with pleading eyes.
>>“After all,” Father James went on, “if God was gracious enough to give you this night of partying and celebrating, the least you can give him is an hour tomorrow morning to thank him for it.”
>>“But I’m leaving my car…”
>>“I’ll come by and pick you up. Then, after church, you and I will come back here and collect your vehicle. Deal?”
>>Charles looked around at the bartenders, hoping that one of them would say something to help him out. But none of them said anything. Finally he looked back at Father James and sighed: “Sure thing, Father. Sure thing.”
***
>>The man flicked his knife in front of her face while he held her against the wall. “Oooohhh,” he sighed, his breath smelling of dead fish, “you’re a pretty one, aren’t you!”
>>She couldn’t scream with his slimy hand stuck in her mouth. All she could do was whimper.
>>“Now, I’m going to start undoing your pants, miss, and you’re just going to keep real quiet or else…” He pressed the knife into her cheek. Searing hot pain burned through her cheek like a dry forest fire as the blade made a small cut.
>>Warm blood began to trickle down her cheek as he removed his hand from her mouth. She licked her lips out of reflex and tasted the bitter taste of oil and mud. The man’s greasy hands quickly undid her jeans and unzipped them. Taking a step back, he pointed the knife at her and said, “Now you take ‘em off!”
>>Salty tears ran down her oil and mud smeared face as she slid the jeans down to her ankles. “Please, God,” she whispered to herself.
>>The man sneered. “God? What’s he ever given to ye? Where’s he now?” The man lunged forward, grabbing her by the hair and spinning her around. He thrust her against the wall of the filthy alley and pressed his crotch against her buttocks. With a gentle push, he let her know how hard he was. “What’s praying ever gotten ya, missy? Did you pray for someone to fuck you in an alley tonight?” The man was chuckling to himself while undid his zipper.
>>She closed her eyes and whispered once again, “God…” She began sobbing uncontrollably as the man held the knife to her throat with one hand, and pulled her hips back towards him with the other. “Please…” she whispered.
>>Just as she felt the man’s head between her legs, she heard someone clear his throat.
Her eyes shot open and she looked at the dark figure who had appeared at the entrance of the alley. The street lights, passing head lights, and the blowing steam from the city sewers made him look like an angel. She couldn’t make out his face, but his bright blond hair was brighter than the sun in the dark alley.
>>“Piss off, asshole,” the man with the knife said, yanking her hair to bring her in front of him. He held the knife to her neck and then towards the man. “This doesn’t concern you.” He licked the side of her face. His saliva felt like acid burning into her skin and she worried about it seeping into the open wound on her cheek.
>>“I would highly recommend that you let her go,” the angelic blond said.
>>“Piss off!” the man shouted, pulling her hair a little harder. “This one’s mine and if you don’ want your scrotum cut, I recommend that you go back the way you came!”
>>The angelic man took a step closer. She could just barely make out the features of his face. He was a young man no more than twenty-five. “If you don’t let her go, I’ll be forced to hurt you. I don’t want to do that, and, believe me, you especially don’t want me to do that.”
>>The man with the knife spat on the ground and threw her to the side. She knocked her head against the alley wall and fell to the ground. In her daze, she was just barely able to concentrate on pulling up her pants while she watched the man with the knife brandishing his blade towards the angelic man.
>>“I said, Piss… O…”
>>“Glory be…” The angelic man struck the knife out of the man’s hand with a fast knife hand to the wrist. “…to the Father…” a punch to the knife man’s head. “…and the Son…” a blow to the knife man’s chest. “… and the holy spirit…” a right to the left shoulder and then a left to the right. “…as it was in the beginning…” the angelic man grabbed hold of the knife man’s left arm, locking his wrist and elbow and he took him to the ground. “…is now…” the angelic man put his knee in the middle of the knife man’s back. “…and ever shall be…” the angelic man put the knife man’s left arm behind his back as though he were about to put cuffs on him. “…world without end…” the right arm was secured in the same manner. Then the angelic man swung a mighty elbow into the back of the knife man’s head, knocking him unconscious. “Amen,” he finished.
>>The angelic man stood up and walked over to her. Kneeling down next to her, he helped her redress herself. “Are you alright?” he asked as he assisted her to her feet.
>>“Yes,” she replied, still stumbling slightly as the angelic man held her by the arm. “I… I guess so.”
>>The angelic man sighed with relief and looked over his shoulder at the motionless knife man’s sleeping body. He man had begun snoring. “I’m happy to hear it. If you could just stay here a moment while I tie him up and make a quick phone call…”
>>She nodded her head. It was the only thing she could think to do.
>>The angelic man removed the knife man’s belt and tied his hands and legs together. Then, dragging the knife man to the end of the alley and placing him upright against a bench, he flipped open a cellular phone and called the police.
>>After closing his phone, the angelic man walked over to her and offered her his hand. “Come,” he said. “I don’t think you’ll be needed when the police get here. I know that man. They’ll know that man. He’s wanted for thirteen charges of rape in this city alone.”
>>She took his hand as he led her away from the knife man and out the other end of the alley just as the sirens became audible.
***
>>The “Tiger” was back again. He came in every night at the same time: fifteen minutes before the end of happy hour.
>>Bernie had never thought to card the guy. He could tell by his face that the “Tiger” was old enough. He might not be much older than twenty five, but Bernie could tell that the kid had seen a lot. His eyes were distant and his walk was sure.
>>He always came in at the same time, sat in the same place, and ordered just one of the exact same cheap beer at half price. Bernie never complained. The guy always left a five dollar tip for a two dollar beer. The most he’d ever said was thank you and that was always just before leaving the bar.
>>As always, “Tiger” was wearing the jacket that had given him his nickname. It was a jean jacket with a picture of a huge tiger embroidered on the back. The collar was made of brown leather and there were two large, solid white crosses embroidered just above the cuff of each arm. His jet black hair was always cut high above his ears and neatly tapered like a Marine’s crew cut.
>>As the Tiger sat down, Bernie poured him an ice cold glass of his usual beer.
Setting the beer in front of his customer, Bernie politely asked, “Anything new happening tonight?”
>>Tiger gave Bernie a pleasant smile, but said nothing. Lifting his glass, Bernie knew that he drank to his health and nodded his thanks.
>>“I said you cheated me!” It was Roy next to the pool tables. He was a regular that came in only every once in awhile, but still a familiar face. Every night he came in, he always brought his posse of bikers in with him. And every night he came in Bernie knew there would be a fight. Tonight Roy and his gang had hit the hard stuff earlier than usual.
>>“Look man,” the stranger said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just hit the balls in the same as you. Just settle down, okay?”
>>Roy started poking the stranger with his pool cue. “I don’t believe you, Hoss! I think you cheated and I’m fixin’ to get my money’s worth outta you!”
>>“Hey Roy!” Bernie shouted as he dried a beer mug. “Why don’t you give the guy a break and leave him alone, okay?”
>>Roy smiled. “A break, huh? Yeah, I think a break is a good idea for this guy. I think I oughta break this pool cue across his face!” All Roy’s men started laughing.
>>Tiger stared, steal faced, as the scene mounted. He continued to sip on his beer while he eyed Roy from across the bar.
>>Roy noticed the intent glare coming from across the bar and shouted: “Boy, you’ve got about five seconds to stop staring at me before I come over there and wipe that look off your face!”
>>Taking another calm sip from his beer, Tiger continued to stare at Roy with an unnerving steely focus.
>>“What’s the matter, Tiger?” Roy said, pushing the stranger away as he walked towards the Tiger. “Cat got your tongue?” Roy’s posse erupted with laughter again.
>>Bernie put the beer mug down: “Now leave him alone, Roy! I don’t want any trouble tonight, you hear? Leave everyone alone or I’m going to have to ask you to leave!”
>>“Shut your mouth, old man!” one of Roy’s boys said, leaning over the bar and holding a knife to Bernie’s throat. “Let Roy do his talking!”
>>Roy stood next to the Tiger, slapping his pool cue in his palm slowly and menacingly. Tiger looked up at Roy for a second, shrugged, and took another sip of his beer.
>>“You got something to say to me, Boy?” Roy said.
>>There was no reply. He just took another sip of his beer.
>>Roy slapped the beer out of the Tiger’s hand and repeated himself: “I said, you got something to say to me… Boy!”
>>The Tiger sighed at the sight of his beer dripping down the bar. “Buy me a new beer.”
>>“What did you say to me?” Roy said, getting closer to the Tiger’s face.
>>“Buy me a new beer,” the Tiger said nonchalantly. “You spilled mine all over the bar. The least you can do is buy a man another beer after you’ve spilled it.”
>>“Why, you little smart ass, I’ll…”
>>Tiger interrupted. “I’ll give you ‘til the count of three to buy me a new beer, or else I’m going to have to spank your bottom like your daddy never did.”
>>“Boy! I am at least ten years older than you!”
>>“One.”
>>“You knock that shit off!” Roy pushed the Tiger so hard that he had to catch himself on the nearby wall and right himself in his seat.
>>The posse member holding the knife to Bernie’s throat was getting nervous. He’d never seen anyone stand up to Roy like this. Frankly, neither had Bernie.
>>“Two.”
>>Roy raised his pool cue over his head, ready to strike the Tiger on the head.
>>“Three!”
>>The Tiger grabbed Roy by the balls and twisted them as he stood up. Roy screamed a high-pitched scream that disappeared into a wheeze as the Tiger picked him up by the crotch and threw him across the room.
>>The posse member with the knife slashed at the Tiger. There was a sound of metal scraping against metal as The Tiger blocked with his left forearm. Bernie caught a glimpse of metal mesh under the Tiger’s jacket sleeve.
>>With a quick motion of his leg, Tiger swept the man’s knee out from under him.
>>Two other posse members drew guns.
>>Before their guns were even in plain view, the Tiger had drawn two of his own pistols (Colt 45s colored orange with a Tiger stripe pattern). He shot both the posse members in their firing arms. They dropped their guns as the Tiger rushed forward and pistol whipped them both on the side of the head.
>>The Tiger whirled around and blocked Roy’s blow with his right forearm. The pool cue snapped in half and Roy screamed in horror as the Tiger smashed him across the face with the butt of a pistol.
>>With all members of the posse unconscious or otherwise incpacitated, the Tiger sat back down in his usual spot and said, “Give me another one, Bern.”
>>Bernie let out a sigh of relief. “Oh my God! Thank you so much! You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to see that hap…”
>>“Bernie!” the Tiger said gruffly, almost snarling.
>>Bernie took a step back, startled by Tiger’s tone of voice.
>>“Two shots have just been fired, Bernie! Now, if you don’t call the police soon, someone else will. That means I have very little time to finish my beer and it would put me in a really pissy mood if I don't get to have it!”
>>Bernie nodded and poured the Tiger his beer. “It’s on the house,” he said, handing the beer over.
>>“Then this is all your tip.” The Tiger stood up and slammed the entire beer in three gulps. As he walked away, he threw a hundred dollar bill on the bar.
>>He disappeared into the night just as Bernie started hearing sirens.
***

2 comments:

  1. OK Zach. I'm doing this only because you asked me to. I'm going to be brutally honest, and I hope you see it as constructive criticism and nothing more.

    1) "The bouncer lowered his hands slightly from their ready position and asked, “Charles? What are you doing here?”
    Charles took another sip of coffee and shook his head violently in an attempt to clear it. “I still don’t understand what you’re doing as a bouncer, Father.”"

    At what point did Charles go from a fighting stance to holding a cup of coffee? If there was a transition somewhere in there, I missed it entirely.

    2) Reading the second part, all I could think about was Batman. It's always a dark alley. It's always some creepy dude that trying to brutally assault some nice-looking woman who has no reason whatsoever to be in "that" part of town. There's always steam coming from the street. And of course, just as the dirty is about to go down, there's always some shadow that appears at the opening of the alley, opting to stand there and be dramatic, instead of actually running to the aid of the half-nude woman.

    Two other things struck me as strange about this section. So, uh, she's just laying on the ground while he's hiking up her panties? Wouldn't she be rushing to pull them up herself? I know it might not be important to the story, but to imagine it as being real, it seems a little weird. Also, why is this guy described as "angelic" about a dozen times? I think I know where you're going with this guy, but uh, how about a little more subtlety?

    3) Reading the last part, two things really stood out. For one, you almost always referred to "The Tiger" as "The Tiger." Using he, him or other pronouns might make that portion of the story run smoother. Secondly, the entire third part of the story reminded me of the cinematic masterpiece "Roadhouse." Kurt Russel is a quiet guy that ends up smashing the faces of biker gangs making awesome "Hey Tiger, cat got your tongue" lines and wielding pool cues.

    Honestly, it's a little hard to read. All the sections are completely unrelated to each other within the story. I'm not sure if this is one work or just excerpts from three different writings. I know you personally, so I'm sure you have an awesome idea of a story and the direction you want to take it. I would just really read over it a few times and ask yourself what a regular reader might think. Will they understand what I'm trying to convey? Does this make sense?

    I'd also work on the writing a bit. Now, you can completely ignore these suggestions, as I have no written works of my own and I could just be talking out of my ass. When I write a story I begin it as simply as possible, i.e., "Dude is sitting drunk in a bar. He sees a lady and begins dancing...blah" After you get a basic outline, then start expanding on it. I say this because I thought you spent a lot of sentences unnecessarily trying to convey just how drunk he was, or how much he loved coffee.

    That's all I really have to say. As a friend, I know you have a passion for doing this sort of work, and I support you on that 100%. Good luck and I hope it brings a lot of success.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you very much for your comment, James. I corrected the spacing issues and took everything you said into account.
    Hope to see more comments from you soon.

    ReplyDelete